Indeed.. It's been a gazillion years since i've written anything here. Prolly i shud explain myself (eventhough i think no one else asks why anymore.. )
Since the 1st of June i was given a position of being the incharge-pharmacist in the Jempol district. From being a noob in managing public health clinic (7 clinics in my district) to being the incharge person in a matter of 9mths. It might sound like a long time for any of u out there but i believe i'm still learning till today. I was given no choice but to take that position no matter how much i dont want it. It should actually be given to someone more senior than i am (by 1mth). I knew since the beginning that there's nothing but negative things by taking this position.
It might sound nice and something to be proud of but wait.. Its not. Pay is the same but work is more.. dont mention the stress that comes with it. If i were just someone who works under the person in charge, i wont need to go for meetings, prepare statistics, manage my workers, make sure the stock is always enough, make sure the budget is properly utilised to the maximum, get scolded for nothing, face the other nasty head of departments, etc etc.
Alright, enough of my side of the ugly truth... the thing i learn from all these is to be strong and even if others condemn in what i do, i have to learn to ignore. Even if u've given it all, u cant satisfy everyone. On top of that, if u have any co-workers that arent that competitive or couldnt be any help at all, that's when your headache comes. First, u have to pick up the jobs they left half done, then tell them nicely they somehow left their job halfway while making sure that they will learn from their mistake. Sound easy? Its sort of like feeling pissed off but at the same time u have to maintain your cool while maintaining your rationale.. believe me.. its not easy, especially for girls..
Well, surviving through it all, then KKM slap my face with opening a methadone program (addiction therapy program) in a short span of time. Due to them wanting to achieve some statitistics to show the world that they are indeed doing something, we, the ones who work for them, have to oblige to extra workload. Imagine only 2 pharmacists running a Methadone clinic at the same time - meaning we are oncall every alternate week. BUT, that wasnt satisfying enuff for KKM, i was questioned from that level, why i didnt wanna open another clinic??!!
Yes, i was shocked out of pants why they could ask that question. If i were to open another addiction clinic, that means that i wont be able to take leave fo 365 days. Even a small kid could figure why i couldnt handle so much.
I totally have no self-time. If yes, i'd rather spend it on relaxing.. because most of working time, i work myself to the max. I drive everyday to work now since there's no one to car-pool with soon. And driving doesnt mean 10 or 20 minutes. It takes 1.5 hours to reach my clinic from the place i stay and the road there is like uphill ride. Ppl do ask why i dont stay there.
Answer is simple - i prefer staying in seremban because everything is settled there. I dont want the hassle of moving again; and i dont wanna stay in a god-forsaken place. That place is full with addicts and more crimes that u can ever hear of. Why is crime so rampant there? Cos most of the ppl there are facing financial problems plus, the main job there is farming and agriculture. When you have done your work and got nothing else to do, the only thing that comes to their mind is either to get addicted to some drugs or to find the extra money to survive. Do u think that FELDA and FELCRA are doing enuff for these ppl in the outskirts? Most of them are still jobless the last time i heard. They are not educated as well.. - because the teachers themselves arent well-mannered themselves. How do u expect their students to learn any positive values from them? One of the teachers that i've met, is cocky and demands for medicine that is of no use to her and claims that we are being rude by just giving her 1 tub of cream. Her only condition was just itchiness on skin. We're not santa claus and the budget that we get is not always enuff. When explained, we're being accused of numerous things which include - we used the money on ourselves (buy what? buy underwear isit?); we are reminded that they are tax-payers too (i havent tell them i do pay tax too, prolly more than them -_-); we're too stingy and always causing problem to them because the came from far away (if they come from far away, what about me?)
Well, i'll always never understand the population that lives there.. I certainly did try my best in my work so that equality exists between me and my co-workers. I dont like double standard (no matter what position they hold). Responsibilites should always be on me because i'm representing the pharmacist profession. No matter how much i hate this position right now, i'll try to like what i'm doing because my conscience must always be fulfilled.
I work not for my superior nor for the statistics nor i wanna prove to anyone that i'm capable. I only work for the people.
Intention is simple - i want them to benefit from the role of a pharmacist.
Do u sometimes wish that u cud dispose off memories that always haunt u over and over?
if u do, how do u do it?
if u ever know the answer to this, i wish that u could tell me how. really in need to dispose someone else's memories of things that could never be corrected or feel remorse over anymore. its causing suffering to themselves and also of others. eventhough its easier said than done, but i truly believe if u hold to the thought that what could never be corrected in the past, will never be corrected in the future. feeling remorse is just a waste of energy and saps all the emotions in u away making u feel so empty.
i know its now easy. but this is what i could do at least.... at least let something for u to hold on to while trying all your best to let go of things that is out of your control...
i dont know the actual solution, but i think time is our only answer for the mean time.....
Before i started working in Bahau, all i could see was civilisation around me. I'm a girl who was born in the heart of KL. It never occur to me that one day, i'll be working in such a place so ulu..
there are things which u hear from ppl, but how true could it be? you'll never know till u're in it..
there's this ex-worker in this district, she was nearly raped. why? she's supposed to stay in the quarters provided but somehow, she was denied of staying there by the previous director of the district. no reason was given, and ironically, her boss never fought for a place for her to stay. hence, she had to rent some shabby house in the middle of palm oil/rubber estate. you can never expect a lavish brick house in such areas. there's a night where someone broke into her house, and nearly raped her (her clothes were ripped off) but luckily, she shouted loud enough. her neighbours heard and the rapist ran away.
imagine if that rapist is HIV positive?
now, u tell me, what is the boss doing to protect her own worker's welfare? NOTHING. being a woman herself, she know the danger lurking around that place. fyi, the director is a woman too.. when they mention about protecting their own ppl, its total bullshit.
another instance of bad worker welfare around a third world country: knowing that the swine flu is not widespread, triage counters are being set up to screen suspected patients. here, in my clinic, the counter was set up under some parking shelter. The weather currently is super hot-can-die... the head nurse, puts her nurse so sit there for the whole day just to wait for patients to come. no fan was provided while the head nurse stays in the air-conditioned room doing some paperwork.
i never liked the idea of asking another for help eventhough i'm their superior. if i could do it, i'll never ask for help. and if i dont like the idea of doing such job, there's no point asking another person working under you to do it. the reason is simple.. no one wants to do the dirty job.
this is the difference:-
the first world would always protect the welfare of their workers. the third world would use their workers till they die. and when they die, there would always be a 'replacement'.. prolly they might do something about it..
newayz, sometimes, being too careful with everything in the first place is not the best remedy to securing a stable relationship.. i realised that long time ago, just that i'm learning it now.. i might provide u with the best of advice but i, myself might not even notice i'm not preaching what i'm telling.. prolly because i dont know till i'm in that situation.. its complicated i know.. but i'm now aiming for a better vision of things....
i should also learn something very long time ago from previous relationships.. i should never be the same girl i used to be..
i wont change for anyone.. but i will change when someone changes me..
i might sound rigid.. but i'm willing to learn.. not to say that i wont retain the real me when i change.. i change because i think i'm wrong all these while and there's always a better choice in life i shud make.. those who love me will always understand the changes i make.. because its them that i change for.. i change to be a better person for them.. while doing all those changes, the inner me remains the same.. just that i add on better qualities in me..
isnt that better? do u guys out there think so?
i really wanna thank someone for being so understanding.. it was my honour to know u in the first place... u were beautiful from the inside.. that's what really matters to me.. here, i thank you.
on another lighter note, a stupid "super-ordinate" (fyi: sub-ordinate shud be the opposite)... called me today!! a saturday!! (ITS A FUCKING SATURDAY, U FOOLISH BIATCH..) - ehem.. pls excuse the unknown language.. fyi, i only work 5 days a week.. and i'm not so close with this person.. or prolly she tot differently.. i wont say that i'm close to her anways.. and i was in the cinema at the time she called...
TSM: *enjoying her movie*
BrainlessFool calls....
TSM: Hello? (whispers)
BrainlessFool: hello elaine!
TSM: ya?
BrainlessFool: Boleh tak u pigi ambik hadiah yang saya beli kat seremban hari ini?
TSM: hah? hadiah yang u beli untuk pengarah bahagian farmasi tu?
BrainlessFool: aha... boleh tak?
TSM: tak boleh lar.. aku kat KL lar..
BrainlessFool: oh ya? hmm.. ok ok ok
TSM: k........ (hangs up phone)
the brainless fool shud have known earlier if i'm whispering, that means i'm in the cinema.. i'm sure she could hear the noise at the background.. so brainless.. i'm sure if u knock her head, u could hear echos like forever... its a vast empty space inside.. its no longer called Intel Inside... its called, Nothing Inside.. and her wanting to make the pengarah happy, she's buying stuff like that... total waste of my money.. since she made forced the whole pharmacy department to share...
isnt it great to have a 'super-ordinate' like that? i would 'kill' to have someone like that in the pharmacy 'all' the time...
well, too many quoted terms in my blog entry and i'm sure u guys are having migraine.. have a sumatriptan.. wtf...
if i have the mood to make a cake tomoz, i'll show u ppl some pics.. :)
i've made these last week but i havent got time to post the pics up.. not that successful compared to last time in scotland.. prolly i had the proper stuff to do it.. i forgot about the vanilla flavoring... and i dun have a fire torch..
housemate no.1: whats that? taste like what?
me: its Creme Brulee... a type of french dessert.. its like egg tart... the ingredients used are around the same..
housemate no.1: *ate and showed one kinda face*
me: whats wrong? eventhough i told u its like egg tart, it doesnt mean it'll taste like egg tart u know? hehehe
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housmate no.2: eh 'KLEM Boleh' ar?
me: yaya... eat eat....
housemate no.2: eh , its not as nice as the one u made last time.. why ar?
me: stop complaning... eat.! hehee
************
me: eh how is it?
PRN housemate: eh ok lar!
me: really ar?
PRN housemate: yea yea, nice nice...
************
then mom n i went to have lunch in Sakata Japanese Restaurant today... its located at the Maju Junction Building.. the food is so-so.. but their service is great...!! i've got a complimentary salad, chawan mushi and miso soup thanks to mum..
she only asked for a complimentary salad for me.. and they presented the rest.. hehehe.. mom knew the manager newayz.. hence the free stuff..
here's what i ate today...
their dragon roll..
find their chopstick rest is nice. hehe... cos it looks like crystal...
their ambience is quite nice too... very comforting..
btw, i found this one quite nice.. but its only available in seremban.. hehe
newayz.. thats all for now.. will update soon enuff... got something more important to do..
believe me.. its not easy, especially for girls..
and her wanting to make the pengarah happy, she's buying stuff like that... total waste of my money.. since she 
